Know about handling questions about missing parent, answers to missing mom ot dad questions and explaining children about single familes.
Handling Questions about Missing Parent
As children grow older, they begin to notice other families and there is a �missing� parent in their family. This is the time when questions about �mommy� or �daddy� who is not there, crop up and children start asking questions that may become difficult for the parents to answer. Children start wondering whether the parent who abandoned the family, didn�t liked the child enough to stay or want to meet him or her. The thumb rule is to first review your answer and see whether you real feel comfortable with it and can convince yourself with it. If you can, it is most likely to convince your child too.
There can be many reasons for how people become single parents. There may be separation, abandonment, divorce, death of the spouse or pregnancy and birth of the child just after a brief fling that may lead to single parent families. Women may choose to start their own families as single moms through anonymous donor insemination while mom or dad may want to be a single parent and nurture a child on their own and adopt children. Thus, there can be no readymade answers that can fit all these cases. However, if you have come to terms with being the head and tail of your family, then your children will also happily accept any explanations you give. Here are some tips you can use:
- A child wondering whether the mom or doesn�t liked him in abandonment cases, you may tell him that he or she did liked him a lot but taking care of a child is a BIG responsibility and �mom� or �dad� was still not ready for it and was frightened away by having to shoulder it. However, you loved him so that you just couldn�t live without him and wanted him very much.
- If the child�s �other� parent is threatening you or is not safe to be around, you need to let the child know about this. You may have to tell him that mommy or daddy gets sick when she or he takes drugs or drinks too much, which is bad for him and then they can get angry, bad or even dangerous. So, until he or she gets better, the best thing will be to maintain the distance and be safe. We should hope for him or her to get better and then you will be able to see the good things in your mom or dad that are a part of you too. But till then, give him or her time to heal.
- In cases of adoption or donor insemination, you can tell the child that since you were not married and you wanted a baby, so the doctor or the agency helped you to reach the sweetest child they could find for you and you accepted him or her instantly. If possible, share pictures or as much information as you can about the birth parent with the child.
- Interact with people with all kinds of backgrounds and point out to the children that there are families with two parents, families with only mom or dad as the family head, families where children are looked after by grandparents or other relatives and families where children are brought up by step-parents, friends or guardians. Then, tell them that your family is just one of them with your own individual characteristics.
- Keep your conversations appropriate to the child�s age and you may reveal more information with child�s increasing maturity. The best way is to strike the balance and be as realistic as possible. Neither bad-mouth the absent parent nor make him the best hero or heroine in the world.
- Let the child express his feelings freely and listen to him attentively.
- Most children start noticing other families and the difference between them and their own families when they are 4 to 5 years old. The children they interact with in school, day care, play ground and the people they meet in day-to-day living and their families may confuse them and make them wonder. This is the time they start asking questions about missing parent. You need to tell them it is okay to come from a different family background and that all families have their peculiarities and may differ.
- You may need to assure and re-assure your child again and again that the child is not responsible for the �missing parent� not living with the family.
